When the in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for a group of people to distance themselves from something that has caused them suffering while promising a better life.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all soft drinks are created equal, that some have a profoundly negative effect on the health of those who would ingest their sweet, sugary contents. Many exist, but not all bear the mark; caffeine.
A repurposed naturally-occurring plant insecticide turned into a food, caffeine gives you a temporary rush of energy. "Run faster, jump higher"; in the words of Andy Samberg, "Man, I'm not gonna let you poison me!"
But throwing it on the ground is not enough to rid ourselves of this volatile, energetic toxin. Everywhere we look, even in food (chocolate), we find delicious proof that we cannot live without caffeine.
To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has given us energy under a temporary ruse, only to steal more than he gave in the first place.
He has supplemented himself into our lives in a manner that he may be inescapable.
He has tied people to a leash of addiction, forcing regular users to need caffeine to function throughout the day.
He has cost us our money, our time, our health, all so that we can stay up all night finishing an AP Comp paper. He is an evil that must be stopped, but any of us alone are too weak; we must unite and work together if we are to have any hope of conquering this beast.
We therefore declare independence from caffeine. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of life, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
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